Guilt isn’t more important than Mental Health.

selfie taken at my desk at home.

Don’t feel bad for making a choice that is best for your mental health.

I was considering a few stories for this but I think I will just go with the one that was the most impactful for me.

I had a friend, a very dear friend. I loved her with everything I had. She and I were connected in a way that I could not possibly describe. I could only describe our relationship as a relationship of soul mates or twin flames. We had so many things in common, I loved being in her company, we wrote books upon books of stories together (stories that only we would ever see and enjoy).

It was a friendship that I will treasure for the rest of my days. I still love her very much.

One day, that all just… ended. She had been spiraling for months and despite my best efforts and the best efforts of other people who cared about her, she started to become verbally abusive, and took to gas lighting. I told her, “please, I love you, get out of that situation, I’ll take you in. I’ll take care of you, just get out.”

But she wouldn’t, and I lost her.

There are days when I feel as though I could have done more, but I know in my heart that I did what I could with the tools I had at the time. Perhaps now, at the age of 30, with the life experience that I have gained in the years we have not been together, I could do better if it were to happen again. But that kind of thinking is not helpful.

But long story short, I ended the friendship for my own mental health. As much as I loved her and as much as we were connected, I knew that I had to cut the rope that held onto her because all it was doing was hurting me.

We stopped talking, and I cried. I cried for a very long time. I still cry.

But I know in my heart that it’s what needed to happen. We needed to separate, perhaps one day we will come back together and will be able to heal, as that friendship was honestly the best I have ever had and I do not feel I could possibly have a friendship like that again.

Every now and then I still feel guilty, like I abandoned her. However, I don’t let allow that to let me feel like I did the wrong thing. I did what was best for me, I did what I needed to do in order to keep myself mentally healthy and safe. And I can’t fault myself for that. I cannot think that staying was an option. It wasn’t, I know it wasn’t.

I will love her and love the friendship we had forever, I do not hate her, or wish her ill. I wish her only the best, and that she is happy wherever she is.

I wonder every day if she is ok.

And it’s alright for me to feel this way, my guilt doesn’t mean that I did the wrong thing.

And yours doesn’t either.

Your mental health is important, and you need to do what is necessary in order to keep yourself safe and your mental state safe. Whatever that may be. If that means you have to leave a situation permanently, if that means that you have to block someone out of your life, whatever that means at the moment. If it’s for your own mental good, then it’s what needs to be done and it’s the right thing to do.

Don’t let anyone tell you any different.

Stay safe friends,

Do what you need to do to become your favorite version of you.

-Emma